I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
