Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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