I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
