remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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