Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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