The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
