i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
