Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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