Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How does one acquire holy water?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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