hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
