i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
