i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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