I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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