And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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