I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
