I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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