whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
