One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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