Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
