My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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