fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
