when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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