Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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