Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
