you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
