I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Someone shattered a urinal.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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