I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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