if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
