you would pick up someone in the library
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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