I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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