I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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