you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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