Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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