you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
