i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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