At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize