I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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