did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
