...so i touched it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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