dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
