best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
