I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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