This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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