when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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