I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize