I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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