No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Holy shit dude........stairs
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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