I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
