Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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