So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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