You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
