my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
