Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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