I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
...so i touched it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
