Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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