i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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