I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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