why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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