I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
