Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Two words: blizzard sex
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
