I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize