My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
