I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
